pooterminated
11-03-2004, 03:42 PM
SECOND LANGUAGE
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes ....
1) That's not right ......................... Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?............. Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP................................ Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man ............................... Dum Fuk
5) Small Horse ............................... Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach? ................. Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table ............. Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face-lift ............. Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here .................... Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet ............ Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone ................. No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week ... Wai Yu Kum Nao
13) Staying out of sight .................... Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile ............ Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive ............. Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great .................................... Fa Kin Su Pah
NEVER TRUST A MONKEY!
A wealthy Australian man (yes, we still have a few left) decided to go on a
safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet Dingo along for company.
One day, the Dingo started chasing butterflies and before long, he discovers
that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly
in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dingo
thinks, "Geez, I'm in deep poo now!"
He noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down
to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the
leopard is about to leap, the dingo exclaims loudly, "Bugger me dead, that
was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around there?"
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of
terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the
leopard. "That was close. That dingo nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree
figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection
from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dingo sees him heading after
the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a
deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a
fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to
happen to that conniving Aussie canine."
Now the dingo sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and
thinks, "Struth, what am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the
dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them
yet ... and just when they get close enough to hear, the dingo says, "Where
the bloody hell's that monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me
another leopard."
MORAL: IF YOU CAN'T DAZZLE THEM WITH BRILLIANCE, BAFFLE THEM WITH BULLSHIT!
ORDERING PIZZA IN 2010
How we will order pizza in 2010)
Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your..."
Customer: "Hi, I'd like to order."
Operator: "May I have your NIDN first, sir?"
Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's
6102049998-45-54610."
Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive,
and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln
Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number's 266-2566. Which number are you
calling from, sir?"
Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?"
Operator: "We're wired into the system, sir."
Customer:(Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat
Special pizzas."
Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."
Customer: "Whaddya mean?"
Operator: "Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very high
blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care
provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice."
Customer: "Damn. What do you recommend, then?"
Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Yogurt Pizza. I'm sure you'll
like it"
Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that?"
Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local
library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion."
Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then.
What's the damage?"
Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids, sir.
The 'damage,' as you put it, heh, heh, comes to $49.99."
Customer: "Let me give you my credit card number."
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your
credit card balance is over its limit."
Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver
gets here."
Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn."
Customer: "Never mind. Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How
long will it take?"
Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes,
sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're out
getting the cash, but carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little
awkward."
Customer: "How the hell do you know I'm riding a bike?"
Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car
got repossessed. But your Harley's paid up, so I just assumed that you'd be
using it."
Customer: "@#%/$@&?#!"
Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July
2006 conviction for swearing at a cop."
Customer: (Speechless)
Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"
Customer: "No, nothing. Oh, yeah, don't forget the two free litres of Coke
your ad says I get with the pizzas."
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from
offering free soft drinks to diabetics."
__________________________________________________ _______________
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes ....
1) That's not right ......................... Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?............. Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP................................ Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man ............................... Dum Fuk
5) Small Horse ............................... Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach? ................. Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table ............. Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face-lift ............. Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here .................... Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet ............ Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone ................. No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week ... Wai Yu Kum Nao
13) Staying out of sight .................... Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile ............ Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive ............. Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great .................................... Fa Kin Su Pah
NEVER TRUST A MONKEY!
A wealthy Australian man (yes, we still have a few left) decided to go on a
safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet Dingo along for company.
One day, the Dingo started chasing butterflies and before long, he discovers
that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly
in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dingo
thinks, "Geez, I'm in deep poo now!"
He noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down
to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the
leopard is about to leap, the dingo exclaims loudly, "Bugger me dead, that
was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around there?"
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of
terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the
leopard. "That was close. That dingo nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree
figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection
from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dingo sees him heading after
the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a
deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a
fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to
happen to that conniving Aussie canine."
Now the dingo sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and
thinks, "Struth, what am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the
dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them
yet ... and just when they get close enough to hear, the dingo says, "Where
the bloody hell's that monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me
another leopard."
MORAL: IF YOU CAN'T DAZZLE THEM WITH BRILLIANCE, BAFFLE THEM WITH BULLSHIT!
ORDERING PIZZA IN 2010
How we will order pizza in 2010)
Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your..."
Customer: "Hi, I'd like to order."
Operator: "May I have your NIDN first, sir?"
Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's
6102049998-45-54610."
Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive,
and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln
Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number's 266-2566. Which number are you
calling from, sir?"
Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?"
Operator: "We're wired into the system, sir."
Customer:(Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat
Special pizzas."
Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."
Customer: "Whaddya mean?"
Operator: "Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very high
blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care
provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice."
Customer: "Damn. What do you recommend, then?"
Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Yogurt Pizza. I'm sure you'll
like it"
Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that?"
Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local
library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion."
Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then.
What's the damage?"
Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids, sir.
The 'damage,' as you put it, heh, heh, comes to $49.99."
Customer: "Let me give you my credit card number."
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your
credit card balance is over its limit."
Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver
gets here."
Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn."
Customer: "Never mind. Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How
long will it take?"
Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes,
sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're out
getting the cash, but carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little
awkward."
Customer: "How the hell do you know I'm riding a bike?"
Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car
got repossessed. But your Harley's paid up, so I just assumed that you'd be
using it."
Customer: "@#%/$@&?#!"
Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July
2006 conviction for swearing at a cop."
Customer: (Speechless)
Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"
Customer: "No, nothing. Oh, yeah, don't forget the two free litres of Coke
your ad says I get with the pizzas."
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from
offering free soft drinks to diabetics."
__________________________________________________ _______________
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------