pooterminated
15-07-2003, 09:42 AM
SUBJECT: ASKING FOR SEX
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find
that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the
lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several
nights of misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.
"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For
instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze
my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and
squeeze my right breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great
idea! Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis
one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis 50
times."
Jamie
Night Hawk
DEAR DIARY
I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and mars thing. And, I
never figured out why men think with their head and women think with their
heart. And I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets
thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do".
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the
passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I
just want you to hold me".
I said "WHAT??????" So she says the words that every husband on the planet
and I dread! She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional
needs as a woman. I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?"
I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to
sleep. The very next day, we went shopping at a big unnamed department
store.........
I walked around with her while she tried on three different very expensive
outfits. She could not decide which one to take so I told her to take all
three of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200.00
a pair to which I say ok. And then now go to the jewellery Dept. where she
gets a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you........ She was so excited. She must have thought that I was
one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was
testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she does not even
play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.
She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen
her face when she said, "I'm ready to go to the cash register". I could
hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey I don't feel like
buying all this stuff now."
You should have seen her face ...... it went completely blank.
I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while".
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added,
"You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man".
I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the spring of
2008.
A WOMAN IS STOPPED FOR SPEEDING, HERE IS WHAT TOOK PLACE:
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls
for back up.
Within minutes 5 police cars circle the woman and a senior officer slowly
approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: The officer told me that you stole this car and murdered the
owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car, please. The woman
opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: The officer claims that you do not have a driver's license. The
woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the
officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license.
He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: I must admit, ma'am, that I'm confused; the officer told me you
didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered the
owner.
Woman: I suppose the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.
ON THE TRAIN
A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to
the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially
embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall
asleep quickly - he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 2:00 AM, he
leans over and gently wakes the woman, saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother
you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second
blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that
we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.
"Good," she replies. "Get your own fucking blanket."
YOU'RE NOT AUSTRALIAN UNTIL:
1) You've mimicked Alf Stewart from the TV show Home and Away's broad,
Australian accent, eg. "Push off, ya flamin' drongo!"
2) You've had an argument with your mate over whether Ford or Holden makes
the better car.
3) You've done the "hot sand" dance at the beach while running from the
ocean back to your towel.
4) You know who Ray Martin is.
5) You start using words like 'bloody' and 'grouse' and call people 'champ'
6) You stop greeting people with 'hello" and go straight to the "how ya
doin'?"
7) You've seriously considered running down the shop in a pair of Ugh Boots
8) You own a pair of ugh boots
9) You've been to a day-nighter cricket match and screamed out
incomprehensibly until your throat went raw.
10) You kind of know the first verse to the national anthem, but buggered if
you know what 'girt' means.
11) You have a story that somehow revolves around excess consumption of
alcohol and a mate named 'Dave'.
12) You've risked attending an outdoor music festival on the hottest day of
the year.
13) You've tried to hang off a clothesline while pretending you can fly.
14) You've had a visit to the emergency room after hanging off the
clothesline pretending you can fly.
15) You own a pair of thongs for everyday use, and another pair of 'dress
thongs' for special occasions.
16) You don't know what's in a meat pie, and you don't care
17) You pronounce Australia as "Stralya"
18) You call soccer "soccer", not "football"
19) You've squeezed Vegemite through Vita Brits to make little Vegemite
worms.
20) You suck your coffee through a Tim Tam.
21) You realise that lifeguards are the only people who can get away with
wearing Speedos.
22) You pledge allegiance to Vegemite over Promite.
23) You understand the value of public holidays.
24) You're weekends are spent barracking for your favourite sports team.
25) You have a toilet dolly
26) You've played beach cricket with a tennis ball and a bat fashioned out
of a fence post.
27) You firmly believe that in the end, everything will be ok, and have told
a mate in tough times that "She'll be right, mate"
28) You use the phrase, "no worries" at least once a day.
29) You've been on a beach holiday and have probably stayed in a caravan.
30) You constantly shorten words to "brekkie", "arvo" and "Barbie"
31) You've adopted a local bar as your own.
32) You know the oath of mateship can never be limited by geographical
distance.
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find
that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the
lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several
nights of misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.
"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For
instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze
my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and
squeeze my right breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great
idea! Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis
one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis 50
times."
Jamie
Night Hawk
DEAR DIARY
I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and mars thing. And, I
never figured out why men think with their head and women think with their
heart. And I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets
thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do".
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the
passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I
just want you to hold me".
I said "WHAT??????" So she says the words that every husband on the planet
and I dread! She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional
needs as a woman. I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?"
I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to
sleep. The very next day, we went shopping at a big unnamed department
store.........
I walked around with her while she tried on three different very expensive
outfits. She could not decide which one to take so I told her to take all
three of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200.00
a pair to which I say ok. And then now go to the jewellery Dept. where she
gets a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you........ She was so excited. She must have thought that I was
one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was
testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she does not even
play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.
She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen
her face when she said, "I'm ready to go to the cash register". I could
hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey I don't feel like
buying all this stuff now."
You should have seen her face ...... it went completely blank.
I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while".
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added,
"You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man".
I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the spring of
2008.
A WOMAN IS STOPPED FOR SPEEDING, HERE IS WHAT TOOK PLACE:
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls
for back up.
Within minutes 5 police cars circle the woman and a senior officer slowly
approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: The officer told me that you stole this car and murdered the
owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car, please. The woman
opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: The officer claims that you do not have a driver's license. The
woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the
officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license.
He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: I must admit, ma'am, that I'm confused; the officer told me you
didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered the
owner.
Woman: I suppose the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.
ON THE TRAIN
A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to
the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially
embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall
asleep quickly - he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 2:00 AM, he
leans over and gently wakes the woman, saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother
you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second
blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that
we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.
"Good," she replies. "Get your own fucking blanket."
YOU'RE NOT AUSTRALIAN UNTIL:
1) You've mimicked Alf Stewart from the TV show Home and Away's broad,
Australian accent, eg. "Push off, ya flamin' drongo!"
2) You've had an argument with your mate over whether Ford or Holden makes
the better car.
3) You've done the "hot sand" dance at the beach while running from the
ocean back to your towel.
4) You know who Ray Martin is.
5) You start using words like 'bloody' and 'grouse' and call people 'champ'
6) You stop greeting people with 'hello" and go straight to the "how ya
doin'?"
7) You've seriously considered running down the shop in a pair of Ugh Boots
8) You own a pair of ugh boots
9) You've been to a day-nighter cricket match and screamed out
incomprehensibly until your throat went raw.
10) You kind of know the first verse to the national anthem, but buggered if
you know what 'girt' means.
11) You have a story that somehow revolves around excess consumption of
alcohol and a mate named 'Dave'.
12) You've risked attending an outdoor music festival on the hottest day of
the year.
13) You've tried to hang off a clothesline while pretending you can fly.
14) You've had a visit to the emergency room after hanging off the
clothesline pretending you can fly.
15) You own a pair of thongs for everyday use, and another pair of 'dress
thongs' for special occasions.
16) You don't know what's in a meat pie, and you don't care
17) You pronounce Australia as "Stralya"
18) You call soccer "soccer", not "football"
19) You've squeezed Vegemite through Vita Brits to make little Vegemite
worms.
20) You suck your coffee through a Tim Tam.
21) You realise that lifeguards are the only people who can get away with
wearing Speedos.
22) You pledge allegiance to Vegemite over Promite.
23) You understand the value of public holidays.
24) You're weekends are spent barracking for your favourite sports team.
25) You have a toilet dolly
26) You've played beach cricket with a tennis ball and a bat fashioned out
of a fence post.
27) You firmly believe that in the end, everything will be ok, and have told
a mate in tough times that "She'll be right, mate"
28) You use the phrase, "no worries" at least once a day.
29) You've been on a beach holiday and have probably stayed in a caravan.
30) You constantly shorten words to "brekkie", "arvo" and "Barbie"
31) You've adopted a local bar as your own.
32) You know the oath of mateship can never be limited by geographical
distance.